The New Bible

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Twitter: Famous people saying random shit. And you'll like it.


Genesis 1:1 according to the evolutionists
The mutated monkey rapeth the mutated monkey. And he saw that it was good.
But Darwin saw that it was horrible and meaningless.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and behold, it was very good. Except for that Free Will thing. He still had His doubts about it.

And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it. For He needed to get up early on monday, and Saturday gave Him a hell of a hangover.

And the rib, which the Lord had taken from man, made he a woman. God had no wife, so He gave the woman the ability to speak. Big mistake.

So God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply. But they wore condoms instead. It was not good, they saw, but better than allimony.

They were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. For altough Adam had a small penis, he did not know that until the Snake. Also, there was nobody around to urinate next to him.

But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, lest ye die. Yes, He Lied.

So they had a bite. And Adam blamed the woman, of course. Then, he ran into the bushes to hide from God's Large Penis. Imagine It's size. Now he was ashamed of his.

But seriously, God was pissed off. He cursed the woman who blamed the Snake, the Man who blamed the Woman, then the Snake. And threw us out.

Then He placed a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life. He really should have done this before, if he was going to be so pissed off about it.